Clogging the Tubes

DDragon: I took a visit to my ISP today.
DDragon: They have entire wall of switches, not unlike lightswitches. Each one represents one of their customers.
DDragon: Apparently when the employees are bored, they toggle them randomly between "Working" and "broken"
Lutrian: I bet that makes you wish you could toggle the employee's organs between working and broken.
DDragon: no, just one organ
DDragon: probably the bladder or the colon
Vek: true. You'd want them to survive to be inconvenienced
DDragon: then as soon as they go to the doctor to have it looked at, I'll flip the switch back
DDragon: after they make an appointment and sit in the waiting room for 40 minutes.

Get the point?

While working on the QA floor...

Coworker: I have told them 5 times what the problem with this bug is and they keep sending it back to me saying they need info
Another coworker: The devs are stupid. you have to talk to them like they're a fetus.
DDragon: "Fix this bug or I'll stab you with a coathanger!"

Damn dirty apes

DDragon: You guys hear about Charlton Heston?
Fragnum: Nope
Krazy: Wait.
Krazy: Yes.
Krazy: Or, rather, I remember hearing about him.
DDragon: Quick! Someone get his gun!
Fragnum: Lol, good one

Great Minds

DDragon: Freud hypothesized that on a subconscious level, every man wants to sleep with his mother.
DDragon: exactly how hot WAS Freud's mother?
kitsunewarlock: who wouldn't want to sleep with freud's mother?
kitsunewarlock: giggity
kitsunewarlock: XD
kitsunewarlock: glad to see we both thought of the same joke

blink

DDragon: did you hear about the hackers?
DDragon: they hijacked an epilepsy support website and posted flashing images and text
Vek: haha
DDragon: I'd be offended by that, but I'm too busy laughing my ass off.

Why?

DDragon: *sighs* my dad is a moron..
DDragon: he never gets his question pronouns right.
DDragon: "Are my black pants in there?"
DDragon: "Who?"
oymon: XD
DDragon: "Uhm.. that would be a what.."
oymon: lol

Real annoying

DDragon: the guinness world record holder for the highest guitar hero score hasn't even 100%ed the dragonforce song
leo-studying: yay dragonforce
DDragon: you should see how horrible the youtube comments are.
DDragon: "yeah, he scored 800k points.. ON A GAME! Learn to play REAL guitar you fag."
leo-studying: anyone knows that guitar hero != real guitar
DDragon: yes.
DDragon: "Pff.. you just got a 60 hit combo in God of War? Yeah, I'd like to see you do that with REAL chain swords."
leo-studying: XD

Zing!

DDragon's Mom: One of my kids came to school today with a note from his dad that said "We could not find the following word in the dictionary: Zing." I looked in one of our dictionaries and there were two definitions, the sound and the feeling. He also added "If you have anything to say in addressing this matter, please talk to me. Do not talk to him." The man is such an asshole. He has a daughter in the 4th grade that hasn't done any work since the 3rd.. so of course we have a hearing for it, and he was there, real smug and everything, and he went "Well, I send her to school so she can learn here. I don't have time to spend every night doing your job. Do you have kids, Mrs. Gonzalez?" And she said "No, I do not. My husband and I decided it would be best if we waited until we actually had time to raise our children before we had any."
DDragon: Zing!

Flower

At my friend's house
Sheryl (from the bathroom): Matt, can you get me something?
Matt: Sure...
DDragon: Toilet paper?
Matt: No. Worse.
He goes into the hallway and closes the door connecting my room.
Matt: How do you get this thing open.. Dragon, can you help me in here?
DDragon: Nooo way.
Matt: Haha
DDragon: Yeah, how would you have reacted if I jumped at the chance?
Matt: I'd be worried.
Sheryl (From the bathroom): I would be too!

+3 Grief

nanakekionchi: ..
nanakekionchi: gary gygax died
DDragon: Saving throw failed.

idios

DDragon: people are fucking idios.
DDragon: which is even WORSE than an idiot
brokenfox: lol
brokenfox: Idios needs love too
DDragon: "What's taking so long?"
DDragon: "I'm playing a game that doesn't let you pause during boss battles."
DDragon: *insert 20 lines of* "what game?" "hello?" "what game r u playing?" "you there?" "where'd you go?"
brokenfox: Haha, I think your friend only read what he wanted, or it just went over his head

No cigar

Nexus: Are any of you a hot chick?
DDragon: I am
DDragon: oh, wait.. you said chick.
DDragon: and hot.
DDragon: and A
DDragon: I'm two unsexy guys.
DDragon: but that's close enough, right?
2link121: lol xD

Overboard

DDragon: have you ever met someone who goes completely overboard with retorts?
Sora-kun[SVU]: I have.
DDragon: "Hey.. you really shouldn't mix paper and plastic in the recycle bin."
DDragon: "Yeah? well, at least my mom didn't kill herself."
leo-studiying: o.o