Clogging the Tubes

DDragon: I took a visit to my ISP today.
DDragon: They have entire wall of switches, not unlike lightswitches. Each one represents one of their customers.
DDragon: Apparently when the employees are bored, they toggle them randomly between "Working" and "broken"
Lutrian: I bet that makes you wish you could toggle the employee's organs between working and broken.
DDragon: no, just one organ
DDragon: probably the bladder or the colon
Vek: true. You'd want them to survive to be inconvenienced
DDragon: then as soon as they go to the doctor to have it looked at, I'll flip the switch back
DDragon: after they make an appointment and sit in the waiting room for 40 minutes.

The shadow knows

DDragon: I was looking out my apartment window last night with binoculars
DDragon: and I saw these two people dancing on the rooftop down the street.
DDragon: I could only see their silhouettes, but for some reason..
DDragon: it made me think about how much interest I'm paying on my loans.
Daeken: ...
Daeken: do less drugs.
DDragon: I would.
DDragon: but then I looked out the other window and saw these dancing cowboys
DDragon: and that made me think of how I could save money on my drugs...
DDragon: up to 40%, it seems.

Duly Noted

kitsunewarlock: deathnote tcg
DDragon: *writes his opponents name on a card*
DDragon: I win
kitsunewarlock: XD

El Neo

DDragon: I just watched El Matrix on Telemundo
DDragon: "Yo soy el Juan."
Spaz_Nuts: lol

Stiff. Drink.

DDragon: I can't keep this inside any longer.
DDragon: I have a confession to make :(
DDragon: about a decade ago, right about the time it came out on the market, I took a phone survey about my email habits. I distinctly remember saying, "Well, I just wish someone would tell me all the places I could find Viagra online."
DDragon: I guess it just kinda snowballed from there. I'm so sorry.
Mottebayo: You're a bastard, so it's YOUR fault. >:(
Summercat: Don't come to the next PS party.
Summercat: I will eat your liver.
DDragon: I'll bring the chianti

Elemental case

DDragon: you know.. I've met a few noble gasses. They weren't all that nice.
DDragon: Argon in particular was a douche
DDragon: krypton was so conceited.. "My name was featured in a comic book!"
tcoyote: Well, yeah, but they're not as volatile as the alkalies.
tcoyote: One little drink and they get violent
DDragon: helium was fun to be around.
DDragon: but he talked all high pitched, made him hard to understand.
DDragon: Neon was really bright.
DDragon: but then radon showed up and we had to get the hell out of there.
tcoyote: Just hang around carbon. He gets along with anybody
DDragon: I don't like blacks.

Unbearable

RedneckCoyote: BIG BEAR LAKE, Calif. - A grizzly bear that appeared in a recent Will Ferrell movie killed a 39-year-old trainer with a bite to his neck Tuesday and had to be subdued with pepper spray.
DDragon: of course the bear's going to get away with murder because he's a movie star.

sucky sucky?

DDragon: I saw this asian lady breastfeeding today.
DDragon: I was so tempted to make a Soy Milk joke.
leotiger: ... thats... horrible

A special announcement regarding the future of Mission: Levity

As of this date, I am ending the daily updates of Mission: Levity. This is primarily due to the fact that I have noticed a considerable drop in quality of the jokes posted to this site. From now on, I will only post when I have a good joke. I will not force myself to find a crappy pun or steal jokes from other sources in order to make my daily quota when I'd rather be sleeping.
If I get a good joke, I'll post it. This can even mean more than one update a day, but it can also mean several days without updates. Stay tuned for more.

-D.Dragon

Get the point?

While working on the QA floor...

Coworker: I have told them 5 times what the problem with this bug is and they keep sending it back to me saying they need info
Another coworker: The devs are stupid. you have to talk to them like they're a fetus.
DDragon: "Fix this bug or I'll stab you with a coathanger!"

At least she'll wear white

DDragon: So you're actually getting married on Second Life?
Sheryl: Yep!
DDragon: With an actual wedding ceremony and all that?
Sheryl: Yep!
DDragon: "I now pronounce you, Sad and Pathetic."

Damn dirty apes

DDragon: You guys hear about Charlton Heston?
Fragnum: Nope
Krazy: Wait.
Krazy: Yes.
Krazy: Or, rather, I remember hearing about him.
DDragon: Quick! Someone get his gun!
Fragnum: Lol, good one

Crabs

DDragon: head crabs are great.
DDragon: why choose between aliens AND zombies?
DDragon: when you can have both?
oymon: hee hee hee...and odly enough...I just finished going through Ravenholm myself. lol

torrential

After a long conversation involving epsxe, winrar, 7zip and project64k

DDragon: do you have bittorrent?
furrytransformee: Stop making up names!
DDragon: lol

Great Minds

DDragon: Freud hypothesized that on a subconscious level, every man wants to sleep with his mother.
DDragon: exactly how hot WAS Freud's mother?
kitsunewarlock: who wouldn't want to sleep with freud's mother?
kitsunewarlock: giggity
kitsunewarlock: XD
kitsunewarlock: glad to see we both thought of the same joke

Disappointing

April Fools is supposed to be the biggest day in a prankster's life. Sadly all I managed to get was this...

oymon: i probabley know the answer to this...but have you done any more work on your game?
DDragon: yes. Actually I finished it. and I'm working on the sequel now.
oymon: oh, har, har, har...it's not April 1st where i am any more...
oymon: besides, you're supposed to fool before midday...otherwise your the fool. HA!
DDragon: and you're supposed to spell you're correctly. otherwise you're the fool.
oymon: shut up...it's late...

blink

DDragon: did you hear about the hackers?
DDragon: they hijacked an epilepsy support website and posted flashing images and text
Vek: haha
DDragon: I'd be offended by that, but I'm too busy laughing my ass off.

Why?

DDragon: *sighs* my dad is a moron..
DDragon: he never gets his question pronouns right.
DDragon: "Are my black pants in there?"
DDragon: "Who?"
oymon: XD
DDragon: "Uhm.. that would be a what.."
oymon: lol

Equestrian

uriko: got any horses?
DDragon: nay.
uriko: poo
DDragon: poo to the fact, or poo to the joke?
uriko: both

Backfire

DDragon: furthermore.. regarding DK's neutral B
DDragon: nintendo may call it the Giant Punch
DDragon: but we all know what it's REALLY called
DDragon: the Donkey Punch
cenek: I call it the Charge Punch
DDragon: Donkey punch is a slang term for an apocryphal and potentially lethal sexual practice supposedly performed during anal sex. The purported practice involves the penetrating partner punching the receiving partner in the back of the head or neck causing the receiving parters anal passage to tense up and increase the pleasure of the penetrating partner
cenek: I know what it is. XP
DDragon: Donkey Punch!
cenek: It's been done to me.
DDragon: o.O

Speed limit signs would suck too

DDragon: Thank goodness for Arabic numerals. As if Prince would write a song, Party like it's MCMXCXI
Lykos: Hahaha!

Assault and Batteries

DDragon: I want to find whoever invented this game and murder him in his sleep http://www.plastelina.net/game14.html
DDragon: actually, no.. that's not what I want to do.
DDragon: I want him to be awake.
oymon: :P

Only 3,240 easy payments!

Akume: and his girlfriend is still a phyco bitch
Akume: god i want to hit her
DDragon: phyco?
DDragon: new from PhyCo! The Girlfriend 3000!
DDragon: going into debt? Let us help!
DDragon: The Girlfriend 3000 can send you into debt 276% faster!
Akume: xD
Akume: no trust me
DDragon: Tired of having opinions of your own?
Akume: ...lol
DDragon: Get the Girlfriend 3000!

Sucker

DDragon: Japanese girls and tentacles go together like peanut butter and... tentacles
Coroo: hehe i know that all to well that's why i love me some tentacles

splish-splash

DDragon: I take showers alone.
DDragon: the only man allowed in my shower with me is Mr Bubble.
canisaureusnauta: XD LOL

Regarding walruses

furrytransformee: 4000 pounds of blubber is heavy
DDragon: 4000 pounds of anything is heavy
furrytransformee: not air.
DDragon: I have no idea where to begin saying what's wrong with that statement..
furrytransformee: I know XD

End game

DDragon: Metroid 2 was a fun game..
oymon: oh yes
DDragon: how often do you get to take place in a mass genocide in the name of science?
oymon: :P
oymon: not often enough

Real annoying

DDragon: the guinness world record holder for the highest guitar hero score hasn't even 100%ed the dragonforce song
leo-studying: yay dragonforce
DDragon: you should see how horrible the youtube comments are.
DDragon: "yeah, he scored 800k points.. ON A GAME! Learn to play REAL guitar you fag."
leo-studying: anyone knows that guitar hero != real guitar
DDragon: yes.
DDragon: "Pff.. you just got a 60 hit combo in God of War? Yeah, I'd like to see you do that with REAL chain swords."
leo-studying: XD

Zing!

DDragon's Mom: One of my kids came to school today with a note from his dad that said "We could not find the following word in the dictionary: Zing." I looked in one of our dictionaries and there were two definitions, the sound and the feeling. He also added "If you have anything to say in addressing this matter, please talk to me. Do not talk to him." The man is such an asshole. He has a daughter in the 4th grade that hasn't done any work since the 3rd.. so of course we have a hearing for it, and he was there, real smug and everything, and he went "Well, I send her to school so she can learn here. I don't have time to spend every night doing your job. Do you have kids, Mrs. Gonzalez?" And she said "No, I do not. My husband and I decided it would be best if we waited until we actually had time to raise our children before we had any."
DDragon: Zing!

evil like a fox

DDragon: I want to put a No U-Turn sign on a Cul-de-Sac
Kensan: You are evil.

ASCii

DDragon: [.+O: oo] it's a Wiimoticon
Mitori: lol

abuse

DDragon: hey there, easy target
canisaureusnauta: Hi! ^_^
canisaureusnauta: XD
canisaureusnauta: Whatcha up to?
DDragon: updating my blog. Now.
canisaureusnauta: How fun! =3
canisaureusnauta: Whatcha writing about? ^_^
DDragon: http://missionlevity.blogspot.com/2008/03/abuse.html
canisaureusnauta: XD LOL

EL-E-VATE!

DDragon: The Daleks are coming!
DDragon: Get up the stairs!
Kensan: LOL
Kensan: That doesn't work!

Easy target

DDragon: hi
canisaureusnauta: Hi again XD
DDragon: seriously, what is so freaking funny?
canisaureusnauta: Nuffin ^^;;

Flower

At my friend's house
Sheryl (from the bathroom): Matt, can you get me something?
Matt: Sure...
DDragon: Toilet paper?
Matt: No. Worse.
He goes into the hallway and closes the door connecting my room.
Matt: How do you get this thing open.. Dragon, can you help me in here?
DDragon: Nooo way.
Matt: Haha
DDragon: Yeah, how would you have reacted if I jumped at the chance?
Matt: I'd be worried.
Sheryl (From the bathroom): I would be too!

...like other mythical creatures

(literally out of nowhere)
DDragon: Was Snow White an albino?
DDragon's Mom: Hahaha, I don't know.

Both of them?

DDragon's Mom's Friend: They're saying coffee is a natural anti-oxidant now.
DDragon: Who's saying that, Starbucks?
DDragon's Mom and her Friend: Hahaha.
DDragon's Mom's Friend: He sounds like my kids.

Emulation

BLOG POST REMOVED FOR LEGAL REASONS.

can't... reach...

DDragon: dammit..
DDragon: I don't want to get up to turn off my light..
cenek.asdis: XD
cenek.asdis: Throw rocks at it
cenek.asdis: Or clap.
DDragon: I'll just hope for a power outage
cenek.asdis: XD

It's a trap!

A friend has a hand stuck in a bag of kettle chips.
DDragon: Sometimes it's best to let the ones at the bottom go.
Joseph: Never!
DDragon: Oh, come on! That's a Clerks reference!

My mom doesn't laugh.

DDragon: You know, the last time we got Applebee's To Go was on my birthday, and we had to hurry home because I was waiting for a call from that girl. And now we got it again today and today it's her birthday
DDragon's Mom: Really? That's too funny.

Polar bears

Watching Borat, after Borat buys a bear for protection

DDragon: See, that was staged. A bear wouldn't scare away ALL of the kids like that.
Videojack: Right, I bet some of them would be "cool, a bear"
DDragon: Well, moreso they'd be, "uhh... I still want ice cream, though."

Don't laugh. He's beating me.

DDragon: what did you do today?
canisaureusnauta: Not a whole lot; practised the mandolin, went to class, watched anime. ^^ Yourself?
DDragon: mandolin and anime?
DDragon: Virginity insurance, I guess.
canisaureusnauta: If I still had that, it certainly would be, let me tell you. ^,^

+3 Grief

nanakekionchi: ..
nanakekionchi: gary gygax died
DDragon: Saving throw failed.

idios

DDragon: people are fucking idios.
DDragon: which is even WORSE than an idiot
brokenfox: lol
brokenfox: Idios needs love too
DDragon: "What's taking so long?"
DDragon: "I'm playing a game that doesn't let you pause during boss battles."
DDragon: *insert 20 lines of* "what game?" "hello?" "what game r u playing?" "you there?" "where'd you go?"
brokenfox: Haha, I think your friend only read what he wanted, or it just went over his head

Shocking

lifeline: whoop bioshock brand new for 20 bucks
DDragon: wherre?
DDragon: what system?
lifeline: 360
DDragon: oh.
DDragon: don't excite me like that.
lifeline: hehe

Se7en

On a quest to find 7 deadly sins in chat.

Delphin: night all
DDragon: sloth
spiralroze: ::huggles delphin::
DDragon: lust
* Delphin hugs back
Delphin: nini
spiralroze: ::licks delphin::
spiralroze: mm fishy
DDragon: gluttony
Pridor: o_o
DDragon: Pride
Katze: Yay for being gone so long I lost my registration.
Katze: Oh well, I can't randomly kick myself.
DDragon: Wrath
lifeline: heya katze haven't seen you in awhile
lifeline: hows everything?
Katze: Not bad.
lifeline: as for me i'm stuck in a buttfuck military base in colorado
DDragon: envy
lifeline: ....
lifeline: and shut it with the seven sins thing
DDragon: kay..
lifeline: i dont get weirded out often but that is gettin to me
DDragon: I guess I got greedy.
lifeline: oy vey
DDragon: :)

Then I sleep-hit ctrl+p

DDragon: once I fell asleep with my hand on my keyboard.
DDragon: when I woke up I'd typed zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz for 218 pages
KuzeTheLion: lol

tubes of series

spiralroze: fuck youtube is being a bitch today
Furisky: it may think you are in Pakistan
DDragon: in soviet Pakistan, internet tubes YOU!
lifeline: heh

homebody

DDragon: I'm bored and tired
DDragon: I think I'll go watch tv downstairs for a change of pace.
DDragon: damn my life is dull...
lifeline: hehe

Smashy Smashy

Blubba_Pinecone: A "Wii would like to play" commercial?
Blubba_Pinecone: Brawl deserves more than that...
_2link121: yeah
DDragon: they need a remake of the classic one.
Blubba_Pinecone: xD
Blubba_Pinecone: Yeah
_2link121: lol

E or X

DDragon: you know... few things compare to drinking a big glass of ice water when you're absolutely dehydrated.
oymon: :-)
DDragon: it ranks right up there with peeing when you really REALLY have to go
DDragon: and sex
oymon: :P

No cigar

Nexus: Are any of you a hot chick?
DDragon: I am
DDragon: oh, wait.. you said chick.
DDragon: and hot.
DDragon: and A
DDragon: I'm two unsexy guys.
DDragon: but that's close enough, right?
2link121: lol xD

Stood up

DDragon: dangit..
DDragon: my Satellite signal is going out tonight.
zu dua: :(
DDragon: She was supposed to be dating me!
zu dua: hehe

Dance, kirby, dance

DDragon: it's fun to stay at the
DDragon: \( '.' )/ (^'.'^) (/ '.')_ (/'.'\)
kaedeskitten: heh

Revenge

DDragon: I got back at my cat today for puking on my playstation a few months ago
pudge: o.o;; Don't tell me you forcefed a playstation to your cat..
DDragon: no. I was drinking a diet pepsi after eating a PBJ sandwich, and I had to burp..
DDragon: but the bubble brought up other stuff with it. And it fell on her head.
pudge: Ewww...
DDragon: I cleaned her off though. She almost ate my arm trying to carry her to the sink.
pudge: XD

a little joke

DDragon: "Midgets: The legal alternative to pedophilia"
oymon: :P

King of the...

FLuXKat: raped kuze
leotiger: hot
leotiger: deatils.
FLuXKat: mmmhmm
FLuXKat: he was able to bottom me for the first time yesterday :3
FLuXKat: oh and we saw lions
FLuXKat: and lion cubs
DDragon: uhh..
DDragon: tell us about the lions.
DDragon: for the love of GOD tell us about the lions.
leotiger: LOL
FLuXKat: they were all run run run runr pounce play run run run run run klunk
leotiger: yay!

Scraping the barrel

DDragon: My Dad is Better than Your Dad premieres tonight.
kitsunewarlock: I see...
DDragon: next week they're premiering "Takes One To Know One"
DDragon: and next month they have "I Know You Are, But What Am I?"
kitsunewarlock: lol

Circular Logic

DDragon: I mean.. come on.. 4 and a half hours of cars driving in a CIRCLE
RedneckCoyote: DDragon there is skill
DDragon: yeah..
DDragon: mental fortitude and not falling asleep
DDragon: they need to spice Nascar up
DDragon: they need land mines.. and ballistic weapons

Overboard

DDragon: have you ever met someone who goes completely overboard with retorts?
Sora-kun[SVU]: I have.
DDragon: "Hey.. you really shouldn't mix paper and plastic in the recycle bin."
DDragon: "Yeah? well, at least my mom didn't kill herself."
leo-studiying: o.o

Cutting it close

rapton_x: question, how familiar are you with Linux?
DDragon: about as familiar as I am with Swahili
rapton_x: LOL
DDragon: hmm.. I guess that'll have to do for today's joke..

Lub-dub

Fox_Fable: Sorry, I'm just talking with my mate and telling him Happy Valentines Day.
DDragon: I sent my baby a valentine from vgcats
Fox_Fable: Hehe, hod that gp over DD?
DDragon: she hasn't been online in like a week
Fox_Fable: How'd*
Fox_Fable: Sorry, typing with one hand right now *Laugh*
DDragon: ..... please tell me you're holding something heavy in the other one
DDragon: Wait..

You don't want to hear the music

KesKitsunetaur: what's wrong with pregnancy?
DDragon: nothing wrong with it
DDragon: it's just, a pregnant chick showing off her pussy is like.. there's no bouncer at the club but there's no room left inside anyway
DDragon: and the club is on fire.
DDragon: and the hallway is clogged with mucous
Daeken: lol

omnomnom

DDragon: I'm gonna puke if I don't eat something
Daeken: DDragon: have you considered... eating something?
DDragon: that would mean putting pants on.
Daeken: why?
DDragon: I don't have pants on.
Daeken: i understand that part
Daeken: but why do you have to put on pants to get food?
DDragon: because I'm not wearing a shirt.
* Daeken blinks
Daeken: ok :P
DDragon: I figure I should be wearing at least one of those things when I go to the kitchen.
Daeken: lol

Bridge facer

I was in a chat room and the conversation turned to people killing themselves by jumping off of bridges.

Daeken: i wonder what it'd be like for those few seconds before you died
KesVeegirl: Daeken: I imagine a lot of people getting second thoughts
clinton: well, it takes eight seconds for a watermelon to fall.
DDragon: a human body would probably take about 8 and a half.
DDragon: I bet they go "I hope the water isn't too cold"
DDragon: "Did I shut off the ov-"
DDragon: splat
* HakuPanther chuckles